Skimming off the Top

An article I saw in my newsfeed this week made me stop dead in my tracks, “10 Reasons to Make Your Bed Everyday.”  Of course I didn’t read said article, I had no time to, but as I read the title it hit me; that title and all the creative, adorable,  Elf on the Shelf posts I’ve seen lately….I haven’t been living at all lately, I’ve been skimming off the top.  And when I say “lately” I mean a good part of the last 3 years or so.  My thought of why should I make my bed daily was immediately met with, “Hell. I can’t recall when I changed the sheets last, let alone make my bed every.single.day” (short of throwing the duvet towards the headboard as I exit the bed each frantic morning) Thankfully they’re flannel, so I at least know it’s been sometime in last 1.5 – 2 months given my flannel sheets make an appearance the same time my big fleece robe surfaces. Don’t judge me. Or judge me.  I honestly don’t care, but I venture to say there is at least one other person out there that more funky sheets than I.  At least that’s my hope.  But I digress, back to “skimming…”

When I first went through my divorce, some 5 years ago; God provided me the most amazing support system and circumstances. I had friends encircling and supporting me, a new job that challenged me, but didn’t demand of me more time or energy than I could muster each day. I focused on myself- my health, my time, my heart, my son, my friends.  Sometime since then - some challenges and transitions have transpired, taking on buying my own home, a demanding sales job in a competitive industry –totally new to me (two different times), meeting and falling in love with a great guy with 2 lively daughters, a bright son that struggles with attention and focus at school & home, keeping said home cared for and maintained, trying to continually find new sales opportunities as I feel my way through what has worked, what hasn’t-for a company new to the metro, still trying to have time to talk a walk, shoot, make a phone call to loved ones, read the Target Ad, put on those new windshield wipers that have been in my trunk the last 3 weeks, and oh yeah, make the most of the 15 days each month I have my kiddo, and our family of 5 is semi- together – with the multitude of activities and different counties these activities take place in.

The long and short of it is, I seem to manage one,  maybe two,  if I give myself some grace…well.  Or at least, sufficiently, at any given time. The issue being,  I continually have many, many spinning objects at once.  Some out of obligatory guilt(getting better there), some because I know it will “fill my cup”, some because it has to get done period and some because I think that’s what a loving: Mom/fiancée/friend/coworker/human ought to do.  But none of it, zero, would I say I do well. Or feel like I do well, at least. Simply because there are so many roles I play- what’s most pressing at that moment is what gets me; my attention, my time. 

In these oh so rare moments of reflection, I know in my heart of hearts, this is not the way I want to live life. I want to actually LIVE, not skim through life. I want so desperately to feel like I have committed and invested in those things that I say mean the most to me. In truth, I have failed miserably in that if that’s the measuring stick. I literally owe everyone and their brother: a call, a text, a lunch, a coffee, a random “Hey, how the hell are you?”  It’s a list that started accumulating years ago and no doubt continues to grow  (& shrink by those who got tired of waiting, perhaps) and while I have tried to be intentional to mark some of those off the list, it’s only met with another item added to it.

Short of winning the lottery, our economy suddenly operating off smiles versus monetary exchange or cloning coming to fruition…I don’t see added hours in a day, me magically having more energy than I already do, or a reduction in “gosta’s  or wantsta’s” any time soon.  Which creates a vicious cycle. I know I’m just “skimming off the top” when I want to be scuba diving to the bottom; the question of the day, or more so, year is – what am I willing to do or risk to stop skimming and start diving?