Shhh....do you hear that?

It's silence, or close to it! All I hear are the keys getting hit as I type and a little smatteing of noise coming from the kitchen as H does playdoh. Truly, it is sooooooooooooooooooo odd for me, that it's a little creepy! At the same time,  I did notice how better behaved H has been tonight. seems I am not the only one that rush, rush hurry hurry life gets too! 

i had commented recently at small group about how one knows if God is speaking to them. Resoundingly I was met with, "is there time in your day were you are still enough to even hear him when he "speaks". Uh, yeah, No.  It was much easier when H was small and my days will spent caring for him and the big task was bathing him, myself, and at some point int he 9 hour time M was at work----make a dinner plan. It seemed to allow much more time for Silence. H didn't talk and believe it or not, I find I am fairly quite at home. So, a walk down the street a swing on the front porch,  got my mind reeling with possibilities, thankfulness and silent opportunitites. 

I have to figure out how to slow down. I am still hopeful that I can swing lesser hours at work very soon. And when that happens, I will need to fight the urge to fill that newly "found" time from being booked. I will need to refrain from inserting the event or that  volunteering---as life is cruising me by. H is growing up so fast-I am rarely found sitting reading a book, let alone, opening myself up to "hear" God's word. I just want a big ole,  road side billboard, 'hey Cindi, .......Love, God" Of course hear int he bible belt of MO. there are several well=placed billboards that read, "Don't make me come down there ---God" which always makes me smile....but they are not on my daily route---how do i put a place for God, when I barely give time to hear myself think?  Like many things in my life now. I need to become proactive. Most would describe as such when it comes to my job and my kid. But Me? I tend to feel like I am just along for the ride.  In the stillness of today I can hear him asking for me to turn down the volume, clear some time of my calendar and "let's talk" Now, the question is, will I be ready to listen????

Turns out, I may be walking backwards all this time!

Here's the backstory-we just returned from a week in Sacramento and Lake Tahoe.  My two brothers, a sister-in-law, myself & my family, my mom, my 6 nieces and nephews, and my dad. Many people are intrigued that my Dad & my mom, after 34 years divorced are both on this trip, in the same house, heck, chit chatting it up on the back deck for much of it! Also, many know that for as long as I can remember, my relationship with my Dad has been non-existent. I have seen him- spent time in his home on occasion, and as an adult shared parts of a vacation in his presence.  My brothers both spent time living in Fl. with my mom & I, yet, eventually, moved to California to live with my Dad. Both were gone by there teen age years.  With that, came much distant, that, gradually, has closed more and more over the years. So, my Dad is very much in my brothers lives. I am in my brother's lives. Hence, having my dad around on family "reunions" (albeit, Haydn is almost 5  just met his 6 cousins for the first time) is a lot like the infamous, "elephant in the room". We both act nice & cordial, but am told the awkwardness is not just in my head. 

We had a nice visit in Tahoe and returned to my brother's for a few days with my other brothers beautiful (inside & out) almost (can't believe it!) 16 year old daughter, H, Marc, me, & my mom. On are last day I finally got some time to talk with my niece. She was the first-I was there to see her mothers belly grow and one September, there to welcome her to my life just moments after her birth.  She lives with her mom in Southern Cal.--but is wonderful about coming to any family reunion of her Dad's family. Anywho, we talked about growing up with out a Dad and she shared some feelings and I kept finding myself saying, "Well, I'm no help because at 35, i still feel a lot of hurt" In fact, I continued on...and on...and the conversation switched from her...to me! Basically, I was implored by my brother & my niece to express my feelings to my Dad. Not for him, but for me to "release them" so I can move forward, etc.. I said, "I know. I know" I really just wanted to whole conversation to end. But, I know they are right. So, I did write a letter. I wrote it yesterday with all the feelings still fresh in mind stirredup from our conversation. i don't know what (if anything) i will do with it. It may never get mailed. I may just keep it and re read it a few times to let those feelings out. I know that;s not the same as "confronting" my Dad-which wouldn't be a hateful stance, but I would regret never telling him how his actions have impacted me-my entire life.

I'm sure I;ll post if-when the letter ever leaves my hands. I just need to find courage somewhere. It';s difficult when you have stuffed your shame, pain, guilt for all of your life-the thought of letting it all out is completely terrifying.

Haydn Ponders....

...these are the questions Haydn posed while in my lap watching the 10 min. firework display. Apparently the whole firework-thing really got his wheels turning! 

H: " Why is there no ceiling to the sky?"

H: "Why are they (fireworks) all shaped like palm trees? (the residual "lines" left in the sky by the round blast)

H: "Is it still daylight savings time?"

H: "Why do we have fireworks?"

H: Why does the Earth turn so slowly?"

Geez, kid, sit back and watch the fireworks and just don't think for a minute! Although, I'd rather answer those then the questions on the way to school last week.

H: "How did they put the nails in Jesus' hands?"

H: "Why did they hang Jesus on the Cross?" 

Ugh, the other questions I can swing, but I'm borrowing a book from a friend for the other two!

Everyday Love

I had to write about this--just to serve as proof in another year, or five , or 15. Today at dinner H seemed exceptionally sweet & charming. He had DH& I gazing at him, relishing this precious gift God bestowed upon us. These moments are precious, i mean we are talking a bout a 4 1/2 year old here. So, I asked Haydn some things and ended with, "Do you ever feel like Mommy & Daddy really, really, REALLy love you?" Expecting a smile or yes, we got, "Yes, everyday!" Of course the tears somehow were on quick alert,  as they instantly started streaming down my face, almost, as the final sound exited his mouth! There are many times we are told we "aren't nice" or something similar, but wouldn't it be lovely if he really does feel loved every day despite not liking our decisions/rule. I pray this is the case. I have to say, it filled me with joy. 

No doubt I will return to this post often with these sentiments are being disputed!!

A "Turtle" Blooms

Anyway, you'd have to KNOW H to really get this, but Mom & I were in tears at tonights last swim session with QUEST test...they do all the little skills to see how they have progressed. H was a Turtle, can't get any lower than a turtle--would have been a tadpole if they let him. So, prying his cold wet arms off the side was initially the goal. Well, tonight, the subsitute teacher mixed things up with a gaunt to deeper water and a jump -in to -the- teacher session. All 4 complied..some more quickly than others. Then, we see them exit the pool, walking in line, East, East? Yes, East, towards the pool area that is 8'-12' ,complete with diving boards. Could it be? No. They're babies, surely they are not taken my only begotten (a tad dramatic here, for effect) to the diving board. Sweet yellow corn! They are!!!!!!!!! Mom &I que Pops to run ahead and station himself at prime -picture taking outpost. He complies. Mom & I wait nervously talking in antcipation, as H gets closer to the ladder....first, a little guy who stands & contemplates at the end for what must be a solid 2 minutes. I worry, C'mon either jump or get off!--My kid is young, impressionable and an astute onlooker...children are like dogs, scared dogs, that once one smells fear, a malaria type infestaton of "No way! Uh- ah's" spreads in nanoseconds....Finally the teacher goes up, grabs the apprehensive child's hand and in they both go. I am relived, 3 more, 2 more, and What? What happended? Suddenly he is not 2 nd in line, apparetnly a mis step (perhaps planned) has caused a boo-boo, one resulting in tears, possibly blood and not one, but two teachers investigating. H misses his turn and his lil' swim buddy, that was in his old class at Park Hill-goes for it! All the while H is turned away,not seeing Cooper's moment of inspiration! Finally, the teacher places him back on the board. What? Do I need a new prescription? H is walking, more than micro baby steps to the end, with his teacher backing him up, there he is onthe edge. Mom & I are in awe, I literally feel like i just ate some bad quesidillas (recently, I did ,tmi) and tears are flowing down Zoom's checks, mine are welling up. He's going to do it! My baby! I bat my swelling, tearful eyes, only to see thru the haze Haydn is no longer at the end..........................but quickly, giddy-like headed off the board and back down t he stairs, his teacher leading the way. It didn't deflect from my sense of Pride...how far he had come from a mere 3 weeks ago, I was tickled and happily surprised that he made it to the end, to face down his fear, if you will. Really, that's the part that takes guts. The gettin there, not the "throw caution to the wind-no looking back-leap off", Right?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned, it's been 2 months since my last Blog.  Poor, ignored, pushed to the back burner, blog.  This lack of attention could be echoed by  many things/people in my life lately.....those getting "what's left" after all my pressing obligations are attended! My hobbies, my nails, my linen closet, some friends & even family--getting what is, if any of my time, attention, energy...a.k.a. "sloppy seconds" is left.  This isn't something I am proud of, I mean I am not preoccupied saving the world's children or realizing some alternative fuel source...just consumed with the day in day outedness of life! Certain periods of my life appear this way---too many obligations that seemingly suck me dry. Not any fault of theirs, just the way it seems to end up.....too few hours and energy to meet all the needs/wants in my social life!

Anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Free love, man!

"love" free association

I love….

My “finger” toes, mint choc-chip Byeres  ice-cream, my son, zinnias, my husband, the colors in my living room, my mother’s love, my childhood friends, my elementary school PE coach, the amazing women-who I humbly call friends-in my life, the smell of rain, Bubblicious bubble gum, pregnant bellies-mine, or anyone else’s, God’s grace,  Pretty in Pink, authentic people, seeing the commonalities in one another, a nerdy joke, a picket fence,  convertibles, our Moby dog,  the smell of burned gasoline when sitting at the back of the boat, changing leaves,  hayrides, hearing my Aunt & my Mom laugh together, reminiscing, the smell of Dreft, my brothers and their families,  the amazing hues of the Desert landscape, the joyful feeling of bringing my son into the world,  caller I.D.,  Philanthropists, cheerleaders, dancing- watching/ participating in, seeing humility, people who believe they can make a better place in this world, recognizing that all people want to be loved, Oprah-at least what she represents on her show,  email-I can always feel connected to those I love,  those shirts that say, “I’m the Big Brother/Sister,” true love, swinging in a hammock under a shady tree (free of bugs/snakes, of course),  seeing a wild sunflower goring up through a crack of cement along the highway, long drives, surrounded by nothingness, photography that moves me,  swings,  the idea of Hybrid vehicles, the concept that I am here for a reason, the way my child’s hair smells after using the baby wash, beer breath on my husband,  I love that not matter how long this list is, that there is so much more that I love!

I've been "tagged'

Leave it to my tech-i.e. blog savvy friend, karen to introduce me to this....apparently I'm "it" so here goes......

here are the rules:

1) Link to the person who tagged you.
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Make sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting that you did. (I don't entirely get this, but I think that means I go to their blogs and comment in them.)

1) I overpluck my eyebrows at least 4 times a year--bigtime.

2)Once, I let my toddler eat a banana in the store--and never paid for it. It was by accident, but still...the horror!

3)I often let me toe nail polish "rot" (for lack of a better word) off my nails, that is, wear off, rather than properly removing it--out of pure, unadulterated laziness.

4)I secretly watch, "the Girls Next door," although would vehemently deny if asked by hubby. He considers me a pseudo-feminist (which I am, a pseudo one at least!)

5)I still couldn't explicitly explain to my 4 year old just how our TV works. I'm prone to just say everyone/thing on TV are tiny little people that live in the "box"---just as I assumed my whole childhood!

6)I am completely confident that the three people I am about to send this to will not "play along" Don't get me wrong, they are great people, very , very busy, great people!

Reconciling Motherhood

It's seems I have a case of babyitis. With a coworker proudly blooming in her 5th month, a beavy of infants around my social life, and the ole' biological clock more prominent than Big Ben...I got it bad! I resigned to "go with the flow" an not bring it up to DH, as he feels one is enough. It was such an issue in our life, it was truly driving a wedge between us. So, I retreated from my barrage of baby talk. It was necessary, and with my back pain spiraling out of control, carrying, birthing and mothering  a second seemed like an impossibility anyway. 

Well, now I have a little relief from my back and am seeing my now 4 year old son, getting more mature and growing up so darn fast that I can't help but fast forward to our family life in another 30 years. Haydn will call and say in fairness he is spending Christmas, Thanksgiving, President's Day--whatever the holiday- with his significant other and their family. And there we'll sit. The two of us, just him and me.  Now, having more than one child isn't a guarantee that our house will always be filled. We could have a gaggle of children and still be alone. That's not my beef.  I want Haydn to have a sibling, to experience the feeling of being a big brother and I want know what a family of 4 feels like as a Mom as well.  Everyone says the love grows. It has too, I'm the baby--the third child. I HAVE to believe the love grows.

So, this is our little secret for now, just you, me, and the bazillion people on the web...I wonder what God's plan is...it would be great if a miracle for in our future!

Swelling with Pride...for no apparent reason

A mother's love...songs, sonnets, books, movies-many people have tried to capture the essence of this immeasurable love.  As a mother myself, I know that this love is awesome.  I am often caught off guard when it's beauty overcomes me.  For instance, tonight, at Applebee's (this is getting so profound, isn't it?) we had our little meal and Haydn actually ate all his corn dog. So, I said he could get a dessert since it was his bday week and all. Well, the server said, "your birthday? How old are you?" Haydn replied, "3, I'll be four on Sat. (actually Sun.) she then said, "You get a free Sundae for your birthday!" We sat patiently, waiting for the treat to arrive. And then, it started.... the clapping  hands, the voices heralding a celebration, the parade of servers chanting and headed in our direction. Haydn's eyes grew wide as they stopped at our table. Our server asked Haydn if he would stand up. He did. She asked him his name, "Haydn with an H" he replied. She then asked how old he will be and  could she share that news with a few people. She then yelled to all the patrons, "Haydn is here to celebrate his 4th birthday with us" (Actually I just didn't feel like cooking, but o.k.)"Can everyone give him a big hand?" And so, they did.  Somewhere around, "Can you stand up?" I lost it. Tears streaming down my face from pride. I am not exactly sure WHAT I was proud of. I guess the fact that he participated, which for my often super shy guy is not always a given.  As the servers left the table, I caught a glance of Zoom Zoom (my mom) in true fashion, she too, was crying. The only good thing was, we hadn't looked at each other. The sight of my mother tearing up has always been the point of no return so far as, whether or not I can choke back the tears and swallow the rock hard lump in my throat or not. 

What can I say? I am one Proud Mama!

Did you hear the one about the Lawyer and the Monk...?

Personality characteristics of my Attorney:
manipulative, Brilliant, Argumentative, Deal Wheeler,
Perfectionist, always ready to debate, knows how to use his charm,
quick to pint out others faults, sees himself as, "above the law",
uses his dimples for both good & evil, factual, contemplative.....
O.k., so I don't have a Lawyer (that's probably a good thing), but if I did I'd want them to have these qualities. The thing is, these are traits of my Preschooler!
Yes, I know it's part of the developmental stage, totally age-appropriate. Well, Me thinks this may be more!
This goes with out saying we think H is fairly bright, but as of the past 8 months or so, this sucker is really giving us a run for our money!
The *attempt* at manipulation, the bold face disrespect (not left unaddressed), the concept that everything is up for debate--ARG! Is this what happens when we give our toddlers, early Preschoolers too many options? That's everywhere in Child Development: Give them choices-let them feel as if they have some power, pick your battles. Well, lately, I question if that has lead us here. No doubt more "seasoned" parents will chime in with camaraderie regarding the Stubborn 3-4's...and Lord, I hope that is what it is. I fear this is a precursor to adolescences, which for those of you mathematically challenged is an awesome 9+ years away, .....or so I thought! : )

I am reassured that he is not this way at school or other environments, actually, reassured isn't the right word. If I were reassured by it, then it would solidify that my darling gift from God is being a "playa' with just dear old mom & dad, and the implications are far to great to even consider! Alas, this is yet again one of those things that only time will tell. : )

Vitamin D 10,000mg daily dose

Despite the -2 ACTUAL temperature today, I am still on my Vitamin D "high" of last week. Basking in 75+ degree weather and literally soaking up nearly 10 hours a day of the precious ViD has really made an impact on my demeanor.  A Mid-Winter Caribbean Cruise should be a required activity for all Midwestern families!  Truly, if we never left the port of Miami, we would have still enjoyed ourselves, but visiting the icy blue Caribbean islands peppered along the Western route only intensifies and extends the notion of "Wasting Away in Margaritaville."  The cruise director consistently borrowed the Vegas PR slogan by declaring, "What happens on the Sun (our ship)...stays on the Sun." I certainly didn't do anything out of character, other than coutning Corona's among my daily fluid intake requirements, but it's amazing how all can be right in the world, with a simple (albeit-not cheap) change of scenery! 

The only problem is, (thanks to my husband pointing this out) I can't get out of my mind that each Saturday a new group of pasty faced Northerners get to tuck their wool coats in their carry on bag for a week or so, while they go and bask in OUR Paradise!

Marked for life?

An innocent forwarded email survey got me thinking about getting a tattoo. It was one of those get-to-know-you little ditties, you know the kind: I have...been to Mexico, kissed under the mistletoe, been known to snort when laughing, etc..., etc.. Well this one came from a childhood friend that was passed on to both myself and another childhood friend. Backstory: We were that trio that when the two best friends were feuding the third "wheel" person previously on the "outskirts" of the friendship circle was suddenly "in." Anywho, I was a tad surprised that both of them stated that they not only has A Tattoo, but more than one! 

The timing of this is interesting,as Marc just mentioned the other day that he is considering getting his first tattoo. Now, I am not opposed to tattoos, I mean, I love "Miami Ink" and "LA ink." At times, I am even brought to tears by the stories of patrons getting tattoos to mark a birth, death, notable life change.

So, all this gets my wheels turning, not so much on, "will I ever get a tattoo?" but more the idea of "if" I did, what would it be of and why? Undoubtedly, I know it would have a connection to a person, but the idea of a name inscribed in my flesh doesn't seem very profound or stylish. Perhaps a symbol, representative of motherhood, my son?  Even then, if I were to find an appropriate symbol, where would I have the tattoo? Somewhere easily hidden, but if its honoring my beloved child, would I really want that some where neighboring my nether- regions? Of course, this is all in hypotheticals, I just can't imagine myself at 85 years old, with my Health Aide assisting me in daily care, exposing some wrinkled, age spotted, stretched out-over the years stork tattoo headed south for the winter.