Naked & Afraid

The naked truth. Have you ever watched the show, “Naked & Afraid?” It almost paralyzes me to think about the notion.  A) I am afraid of all reptiles, like phobic about them, and equally not a fan of most anything with fangs, teeth, or the ability to consume me for supper.  B) You are facing these aforementioned wild elements- naked, with a stranger. Naked. Like no forgiving self-tanner generously applied, no concealer, no smoke and mirrors. It’s all just there in its natural, dimply, pastey white glory for all to see. Or all for the stranger to see. The viewing audience at home has to use a smidge of imagination to “guess” what’s beneath the blurry area that some say is where the good Lord split ya, for instance.  All of this terrifies me far beyond the 28 days you are there without food or water supply.  More than scared, I think I would mostly  feel sympathetic. Sympathetic for the person who “drew the short straw” stranger that got me as their partner the next month.  For my lack of any type of survival skills, or desire to forage/hunt/kill anything. Mainly though,  my sympathy is for the person that will undoubtedly bring themselves to commit murder. And I will be the cause.  They would kill me to stop my whining. I’m positive of this.  Ever been with me when I am (multiple answers are applicable) Hungry? Tired? Scared? Experiencing nature? Hot? Headachey? PMS? Overwhelmed? Stressed out? On a High ledge? Sunburned? Eaten alive by mosquitoes?  In all seriousness….I am dead serious. I am confident, I would meet my demise for my excessive whine and thick, yet tender, thighs.  C’mon, I’d totally expect you to then take nourishment from me – it’s the least I could offer.

I say all this because – it’s true, Hell on Earth to me would be the above scenario, Ok. Not Hell, but throw in some Algebraic word problems to the above situation and that, THAT would be my hell on Earth. Without a doubt.

I share this because I realized some time ago that I have someone in my life, that would only want to be in the Hell On Earth scenario described above if it was WITH me. And that my friends - is a miracle. Truly, miraculous. There is someone who gets me at my best, my “Meh”, my most giving, my most beautiful, my ugliest, my most selfish and a host of additional states and still says, I choose you. And to clarify, yes, to my Christian friends, Jesus- Jesus does this for us and loves us in this way & how amazingly humbling is it. But I’m talking about a person, in the flesh.  A fellow beautiful and flawed spirit, that knows all this, and would choose me anyway, despite of it, BECAUSE of it.  I am often mystified as to why/how? 

The truth is, moving in with Matt & the girls has been more of a REALITY check than I bet either Matt or I envisioned. In one instance it is bliss, BLISS I say!  As our kiddos giggle, laugh, play and we all engage and build our family memories; in the next, there is conflict, or frustration surrounding 5 people who know and love one another suddenly LIVING under one roof and try to make sense of expectations, or rules, or assumptions.  We anticipated much of it, but something’s have taken us by surprise and I’ll be the first to say, a demanding job, parenting, 2 homes, and trying to truly LIVE life often times has me at far short of the best version of “me.”  Lest I mention, 2 approaching Tweendom kiddos, one perimenopausal broad, a cat that likes to piddle outside the litterbox on occasion, a too small garage for all the crap in it, and a guy that likes to sing show tunes incessantly. ;) 

But, through it all, being “naked” (talking metaphorically, get your mind out of the gutter, people. The real-deal me, the good the bad, the ugly)  and most definitely “afraid” (did we give the kids enough time, too much time, 2^nd marriages have an even higher divorce rate than first, etc..) and yet, he chooses me, over and over and over again to go on this adventure. And although at times, I may feel like I’m “going” kicking & screaming, because I AM “naked” and I AM “afraid,” there isn’t another person on this Earth that  I’d want to be on this adventure with either.  Not a one. Nope.

In under 10 months, we’ll be married; dealing with who knows what new stuff, and very likely much of what we are already facing. 

In the show, ‘Naked & Afraid’, you get to bring one “survival tool” with you on your journey.  As 2015 looms, I think I know what mine needs to be for our journey.  If you’ve read along, thanks for your interest. I’d ask that you pray for me & that I always remember what my “survival tool” is & pray for us and our family as we take on this new adventure. No doubt we are in for quite a story!

Here’s to an EPIC/BLESSED/FANTASTCIAL/MEANINGFUL 2015!

Skimming off the Top

An article I saw in my newsfeed this week made me stop dead in my tracks, “10 Reasons to Make Your Bed Everyday.”  Of course I didn’t read said article, I had no time to, but as I read the title it hit me; that title and all the creative, adorable,  Elf on the Shelf posts I’ve seen lately….I haven’t been living at all lately, I’ve been skimming off the top.  And when I say “lately” I mean a good part of the last 3 years or so.  My thought of why should I make my bed daily was immediately met with, “Hell. I can’t recall when I changed the sheets last, let alone make my bed every.single.day” (short of throwing the duvet towards the headboard as I exit the bed each frantic morning) Thankfully they’re flannel, so I at least know it’s been sometime in last 1.5 – 2 months given my flannel sheets make an appearance the same time my big fleece robe surfaces. Don’t judge me. Or judge me.  I honestly don’t care, but I venture to say there is at least one other person out there that more funky sheets than I.  At least that’s my hope.  But I digress, back to “skimming…”

When I first went through my divorce, some 5 years ago; God provided me the most amazing support system and circumstances. I had friends encircling and supporting me, a new job that challenged me, but didn’t demand of me more time or energy than I could muster each day. I focused on myself- my health, my time, my heart, my son, my friends.  Sometime since then - some challenges and transitions have transpired, taking on buying my own home, a demanding sales job in a competitive industry –totally new to me (two different times), meeting and falling in love with a great guy with 2 lively daughters, a bright son that struggles with attention and focus at school & home, keeping said home cared for and maintained, trying to continually find new sales opportunities as I feel my way through what has worked, what hasn’t-for a company new to the metro, still trying to have time to talk a walk, shoot, make a phone call to loved ones, read the Target Ad, put on those new windshield wipers that have been in my trunk the last 3 weeks, and oh yeah, make the most of the 15 days each month I have my kiddo, and our family of 5 is semi- together – with the multitude of activities and different counties these activities take place in.

The long and short of it is, I seem to manage one,  maybe two,  if I give myself some grace…well.  Or at least, sufficiently, at any given time. The issue being,  I continually have many, many spinning objects at once.  Some out of obligatory guilt(getting better there), some because I know it will “fill my cup”, some because it has to get done period and some because I think that’s what a loving: Mom/fiancée/friend/coworker/human ought to do.  But none of it, zero, would I say I do well. Or feel like I do well, at least. Simply because there are so many roles I play- what’s most pressing at that moment is what gets me; my attention, my time. 

In these oh so rare moments of reflection, I know in my heart of hearts, this is not the way I want to live life. I want to actually LIVE, not skim through life. I want so desperately to feel like I have committed and invested in those things that I say mean the most to me. In truth, I have failed miserably in that if that’s the measuring stick. I literally owe everyone and their brother: a call, a text, a lunch, a coffee, a random “Hey, how the hell are you?”  It’s a list that started accumulating years ago and no doubt continues to grow  (& shrink by those who got tired of waiting, perhaps) and while I have tried to be intentional to mark some of those off the list, it’s only met with another item added to it.

Short of winning the lottery, our economy suddenly operating off smiles versus monetary exchange or cloning coming to fruition…I don’t see added hours in a day, me magically having more energy than I already do, or a reduction in “gosta’s  or wantsta’s” any time soon.  Which creates a vicious cycle. I know I’m just “skimming off the top” when I want to be scuba diving to the bottom; the question of the day, or more so, year is – what am I willing to do or risk to stop skimming and start diving?