Living a Legacy

So often we hear about leaving a legacy- what your community, friends and family will remember you by, when your time on earth has come to pass. But since the passing of my own Mom, quite suddenly, (despite there being the dreaded "c" diagnosis, it wasn't from cancer per se and it was incredibly sudden), I've been turning my focus to my own legacy and the notion of  LIVING my Legacy, more so that worrying what legacy I'll be leaving.

Living vs. Leaving, is any "background" needed? I think we all get the inherent differences between the two, one connotes closure, the other - a dynamic, today, this present moment, notion...Living, breathing, experiencing, sensing, sucking the marrow out of life...that's living. Leaving is - I'm done. Things are finished here, I'm moving on.  And so as I sit with the idea of what my own legacy will be, when my days on earth are done, I've realized, that if I can find a way to be present and truly live the life I am called to, and work at something that fulfills a perceived higher purpose, I might just be able to LIVE my legacy, and even enjoy the fruits of it as I create it.

I am so, so, many things, much more than the titles I bear:wife/mother Step Mother/believer/worker bee...I am:

An explorer, an emotional scuba diver (credit to my dear friend for bestowing this most appropriate title years ago!), a connector, a supporter, a ponder-er, a creator, a pursuer, a doer, a child of God, a child of wonder (even at 45) a philosopher, a tragic purveyor of throw pillows, a sometimes short patience-waiter, a high expectations "expect-or", a hold your hand while you get the call-er,  a wanna be Yogi, a grace giver, my own worst critic,  a too-rigid house run-er, and so much more....Yes, I am the text

book definition of a dichotomy. Isn't that the crux of humanity? We are both good and evil, joy and sorrow filled, pain and pleasure inducing...we are onions, people, hopefully less odiferous, I pray, but as complex and layered. How does one live their legacy, when we have so many unanswered questions about ourselves? What direction do we go, how do we know if that's really it? Once again I say God could have really done us all a solid and delineate  his voice (of course, a deep, booming, all-knowing tambor) from our own. Or perhaps, if our exchanges with him showed up in our mind as a play with parts noted-

        God: CINDI

        Cindi : Yes? Who is it? Wait, am I talking to myself? Because it sounds like my voice. Yea, I'm definitely talking to myse....
      
        God: CINDI! NO! It is I, your Lord and Savior, the one you affectionately refer to in texts as "JC" -Your gift is (insert spiritual gift here) Go to (insert specific address) on (insert specific date & time) to fulfill your destiny.

If only things were more explicit, right?

I recently left a professional role that I loved - at least I think I loved it. I certainly loved the people surrounding it, and the idea of it, but as I get some distance, I'm realizing more and more that I not only crave to be in deep connectedness with my family and close friends, I have a instinctual longing for recognizing the connection and commonalities across my community, and humanity as a whole as well. That rambling paragraph above??? All those things I am? I bet I could find a litany of people, all genders, all walks of life that could echo those same sentiments. "We are more alike than we are unalike." Amen.

As I explore what's next for me professionally and I allow for dead space in my day- to just let the thoughts come, and forgo my every-expanding gotsta's list, I realize I don't want to just leave a legacy .I want to live it first.

Gently Fold In

So, here it is. Inspiration has struck. I can no longer contain it within the confines of my mind, my inner circle, it's time to take to the masses (all two of you who might be reading this - my Fiancé and my Mom!), as a few truths have held true throughout my (almost) 43 years thus far.  One being, there is great relief, and great HOPE in living in community with one another. I'm talking about real life community, the not so pretty, nor shiny, over my dead body would I openly share- stuff, that only our "circle of trust" (or perhaps a random, fellow waiting room Mom, who strikes up a convo about life with Tweens) explores. These topics tend to be the deep emotional struggles we all deal with- whether it be based in an unsatisfied work life, family dynamics, financial strife, addictions, old habits, you name it. All of the above? Sure, that too!  It's the stuff that shows our dark corners, our insecurities, frustrations and longings, if only to ourselves and no one else.  Except, when we do- when we share our challenges and struggles, we open ourselves up to community with others, who have been there, and relate. I am starting, "Step 1: Gently Fold In..." under that belief. That through this blog, a community of support and kinship is formed.

In my life currently, the most difficult, yet meaningful challenge, is this transition into a "Blended Family." While it won't be officially official for another few months, we are quickly approaching the one year mark of all being under one roof, after a blissful courtship for all of us, which lasted about 1 1/2 years; owning separate homes, across "town" from one another and largely, only coming together a couple nights on the weekends when we each had our kiddos. Ahhh,  my cheeks hurt from smiling as I reflect on the almost- continual joy. No, I mean it, really...continual joy! There was the "wooing" by my then boyfriend, the anticipation of date night, the hair products, the picking the "just right" outfit, the hilarity that ensued around the dinner table, the multitude of car rides - as 5 of us squished in,  the joy of time alone and working on whatever tickled my fancy - working out, home improvements, ACTUALLY PAGING THROUGH A MAGAZINE. And not just ANY magazine,  an issue that was semi-current, and not 9 months old, covered in school papers, buried at the bottom of the ottoman tray!

Yes, it had moments of challenges, we are dealing with real people here, 3 of which are between the ages of 7-11, we had our share of: bad moods, disappointments, illness, conflicting schedules, but by and large, it was generally delightful. Oh, and not to mention the artwork, the gifts, the adoring remarks. No, not from my fiancé, but his children and my son toward him. I would always diminish the compliments, and appreciated the images of me as a Princess, complete with crown, flowing hair, zero wrinkles, or acne. However, I also knew that the pedestal I had been put on, (I am guessing due to kiddos desire to just get back to a "normal" family that someone, ANYONE, fulfilling that role  would be warmly greeted in those early days) would someday falter.

Kids want their family to stay in tact, and when it isn't - they want some semblance of that 'normalcy' - I get it. I got it then too. So I realized our easy breezy transition from dating to being engaged after 1 1/2 years would likely not be the case for long. It took a little bit longer to start to see that "the bloom was off the rose" and from there a much faster clip to, "Not only is the bloom off the rose, but holy cow, that rose has some thrones and those suckers HURT!"

Which brings us to right now. We are months away from signing the marriage certificate, exchanging gold bands, and speaking our covenant to God amidst our friends and family. If I am being candid, Whew, it's been a challenging transition lately. Mainly because not a one of us have ever been a: Step Dad, Step Mom, Step child, or child sharing their parent with a Step - before.  We are all novices. Here's my 2 cents thus far: Parenting and being a Step- Parent are totally different. Oh, and each kiddo may need your role to look a little different, specific to their needs, and yeah, the expectations may change from time to time, day to day or moment to moment. And your step parent and biological parent may be trying to navigate all this as they also navigate their own differences in parenting. Uh huh and maybe just maybe, you are all also trying to figure out what this family wants to be like, look like, function as. Yeah, so there are just a few things swirling about, and if that wasn't enough - these children are simultaneously growing up and going through their own internal challenges, while they maneuver this new family life and maybe the parents are facing some of their own internal challenges to boot as well.  Easy, breezy, lemon, squeezey, eh? Umm no. There are moments though, I mean the most beautiful, fill your heart till it hurts moments that remind you - this is a process that is building deep, wonderful relationships. It may not be a straight line, but a journey, maybe most akin to a "walk about" where you really are, adjusting as your journey dictates and maybe you make some wrong turns, maybe you make a lot. Maybe you end up stuck in a pothole, that you never even saw and you're stuck. The good news being, you won't always be, there are many hands and resources to get you out of it, fix your tire and your rim and point you in the right direction again.

I welcome you to the journey, as seen through the eyes of our journey; ours is not so much, a "blending," but Gently Folding In...we aren't changing who we are and becoming something else entirely new, as the name "blending" denotes. We are 5 people, with different needs, motivations,  challenges, gifts and desires; on a journey to do our best to Gently Fold In together.

We want to hear about your journey, where you are at in it and how we can all learn and grow through it and from it. We hope you come along!