Turns out, I may be walking backwards all this time!

Here's the backstory-we just returned from a week in Sacramento and Lake Tahoe.  My two brothers, a sister-in-law, myself & my family, my mom, my 6 nieces and nephews, and my dad. Many people are intrigued that my Dad & my mom, after 34 years divorced are both on this trip, in the same house, heck, chit chatting it up on the back deck for much of it! Also, many know that for as long as I can remember, my relationship with my Dad has been non-existent. I have seen him- spent time in his home on occasion, and as an adult shared parts of a vacation in his presence.  My brothers both spent time living in Fl. with my mom & I, yet, eventually, moved to California to live with my Dad. Both were gone by there teen age years.  With that, came much distant, that, gradually, has closed more and more over the years. So, my Dad is very much in my brothers lives. I am in my brother's lives. Hence, having my dad around on family "reunions" (albeit, Haydn is almost 5  just met his 6 cousins for the first time) is a lot like the infamous, "elephant in the room". We both act nice & cordial, but am told the awkwardness is not just in my head. 

We had a nice visit in Tahoe and returned to my brother's for a few days with my other brothers beautiful (inside & out) almost (can't believe it!) 16 year old daughter, H, Marc, me, & my mom. On are last day I finally got some time to talk with my niece. She was the first-I was there to see her mothers belly grow and one September, there to welcome her to my life just moments after her birth.  She lives with her mom in Southern Cal.--but is wonderful about coming to any family reunion of her Dad's family. Anywho, we talked about growing up with out a Dad and she shared some feelings and I kept finding myself saying, "Well, I'm no help because at 35, i still feel a lot of hurt" In fact, I continued on...and on...and the conversation switched from her...to me! Basically, I was implored by my brother & my niece to express my feelings to my Dad. Not for him, but for me to "release them" so I can move forward, etc.. I said, "I know. I know" I really just wanted to whole conversation to end. But, I know they are right. So, I did write a letter. I wrote it yesterday with all the feelings still fresh in mind stirredup from our conversation. i don't know what (if anything) i will do with it. It may never get mailed. I may just keep it and re read it a few times to let those feelings out. I know that;s not the same as "confronting" my Dad-which wouldn't be a hateful stance, but I would regret never telling him how his actions have impacted me-my entire life.

I'm sure I;ll post if-when the letter ever leaves my hands. I just need to find courage somewhere. It';s difficult when you have stuffed your shame, pain, guilt for all of your life-the thought of letting it all out is completely terrifying.