Dating in the time of Cholera, or something like that

So here I am approaching my 38th birthday and the realization that I'm "back on the market", "back in the game," or whatever little phrase you'd like to use to depict "single," is reflected everywhere in my life. For me, they are all just sad attempts at making dating sound much more a shopping sport, rather than the work-like-kinda heartbreaking- endeavor that it is. Really. It would seem its a constant state of hope-disappointment, acceptance- rejection-joy-pain....rinse & repeat. No matter whether you are the dumpeee or the dumper, it's often all of those things, to greater or lesser extents. A girlfriend and I were having a great discussion on the topic and have both decided that we are laying off the 'being proactive' in dating. We concur tis better you simply allow God/ the universe (whatever "higher power" you subscribe to), to work it's magic. Over the course of the conversation, she shared her favorite quote from Eat, Pray, Love (every single/divorcing/newly divorced/suburban soccer mom-longing for a an adventure has read it. It's required for our gender.) Anyway, it's an AMAZING quote, no, really, it is. You ready for it? Here goes, "I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long)waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance, I have been a victim of my own optimism." Even in my very limited dating history, I have already been a victim of my own optimism. If I'm being honest, it's something I struggled with in my marriage, actually. Some might say I had horse blinders on, another says, "you were in sleeper town. Now you see. Now you know, reality." All accurate descriptions. Mine was an optimism that indeed that potential of a man (as well as my own) would & was being realized. Nothing is as disappointing as realizing someone isn't the person you thought/hoped/longed for them to be (mind you, it's extra disheartening when you realize you aren't who you thought/hoped/lnoged to be!) In short, it totally sucks. Untapped potential, if you will. Don't get me wrong, I am fully cognizant that I am a work in progress, ever evolving, constantly struggling for improvement. This is different. This is something idealized. They/you "could" be that person, you have the capability to be "that" person. But who you are now, is who you are now. Sometimes, often times, its hard to acknowledge that. This, right here, this is where I am, who I am today.

Honestly, this is just more ramblings, a free flowing expression of random thoughts, loosely trying to be strung together to say something of significance. I suppose it is. Significant, that is. Probably to no one else but me.

The evite to my pity party is forthcoming

Life is funny. Actually, the timing of life, is more than funny. Today I posted a link to the singledadlaughing blog that I love. The particular post was on step parents and what they, along with the biological parent can provide a child. It was beautiful, poetic- even, and moved me. Funny enough, tonight, fresh from Zumba-ing (the act of participating in a Zumba class- I'm coining the phrase) I arrive at my old house, er I mean, my ex's place to collect Haydn after his normal weekend visitation. We hug, we chat. We stand on the porch and for a few moments, we are kinda, in some weird way, a lot like the family we once were. Haydn shares what they did this weekend. He talks about the pumpkin they carved and how Tami carved out a gourd. Tami is my ex's girlfriend who has been in Haydn's life for the past 9 months. I know Tami, from pre-divorce days, and had always found her to be nice enough. So, the fact that she is now in my son's life regularly, as are her children, it's actually a relief to have known of her previously. She is just as far from a "stranger" as she is a "friend"- for me, she is in some kind of no man's land. An undetermined, unfamiliar role. Haydn really likes her and her children. When we pray, we include them, even the dog that stays at the Grandma's house. I have no ill will, but at the same time, the warm fuzzies are absent. Like, on hiatus, as in vacationing on Mars, questioning if they will ever return...you get the picture. But tonight, something happened. It's a milestone, really. For me at least. After a year that has required digesting so much, and reliving the anniversary of big, huge, ginormous changes in our life...Tonight, I was kicked in the stomach, repeat idly, by a giant foot, wearing steel toed boots, that had spikes on the bottom....or at least that's how it felt, by my own child. He was excitedly telling my about the carving and paused a moment. His Dad and I engaged in some Halloween logistical talk and BAM! There it was, the jarring, gut wrenching, spiked, hit. As Haydn interrupted to get my attention he said, "Tami!" I turned my face to my ex-husband, the look on his face was remorseful, not like he plotted to have our child call me by the wrong name - I could sense his discomfort. It's just the timing of it all. You know? Me posting that link about kids being loved by more than just their parents and all the benefits of that -then the cold slap in the face of, "Yeah, there's another woman in your son's life. One he likes and that has been building a meaningful relationship with him for a while now." Wow. I'd like to be all kumbya about it, and someday, I know I will fully embrace that. But for now. It hurts. It really really hurts. Yes, I'll always be his mother, yes, of course. I just wasn't ready for this, hell, any of it. I guess that's the thing about loss/growth/life- just when you acclimated to the new way, things change.

Whoa. Say it with me, just like Joey Lawrence, Whoa.

Whoa! I all but forgot about my slightly askew views and posts....Seriously? Seriously? Two years? That's when I last posted. Unfriggenbelievable. The phrase, "what a difference a day makes," seems to be ringing in my head like an annoying old-school alarm clock. Had I known, had any inclination, where I'd be 2 years later.....well, I simply could not have even fathomed the changes in my life: My 13 year marriage ending, entering single life/single parenting, getting my lazy tail in serious shape, emotionally, spiritually, physically, doing a Triathlon, venturing out in the world in many new ways. Whoa. Wow.

It's actually immobilizing- trying to communicate what I'm feeling as I read these old posts, to think about where I am and where I am headed. In fact, I'm just going marinate and sit with that for a spell. But I'll be back to share some of what I unearth, once I can wrap my head around it!