Holy cow- it's yet again almost been 2 years since my last Blog. Crazy- time has sprouted wings and it's jettisoning by at record pace. Also amazing to reread old posts and recognize either, "Hey, there I am again, the same spot," or far worse, "Holy c-r-a-p, I never left that spot!" What's that about the unexamined life...? Yeah, well...
So, I come to my dear blog most in times of transition these days. Big ones, I'm not talking about dabbling as a Ginger for the Fall-type transitions, I mean the bring you to your knees and have you having lengthy come-to-Jesus conversations, with, well....Jesus. And so it goes. This summer brought to a close several things that enriched & grew me as a person, a mom, an employee, a women, a partner. It was an amazing run- full of challenges, things to work out in my head that utlimately, made me a better me. Perhaps a more broken me at the moment, but that's only because I challenged myself to try new things, have a different perspective and let someone else lead, for once. I can confidentaly say, I have learned a lot about what drives me, what excites me, what I want my life to look like more and more. So, while these changes have perhaps (too often) been met with some sassy-mouthed exchanges, or a pity-party that lingered on..and on...and on...., or some behavior that surprised even me....I know in my soul that change is upon us, ok me, change is upon me.
A relationship that I held dearly, with someone I allowed myself to love- really love- (my first since the end of my marriage)- ended. It has been felt deeply, so much loss- a best friend, children I adored, a make-shift family, etc... so much to loose in one fell schwoop. And as I moved forward in that acceptance, I found out last week I was laid off. I have 2 weeks of severance (now one), a single mom, a mortgage, and a broken heart too boot! I liken it to a summer-shit sundae, with all the fixin's that I'll spare you from going into.
Which all of this gets me to today. Right now, well, this morning, in truth. I slept horribly last night, as I was sure, ( to top things off), the boogie man, or insane-asylm escapee, creepy clown, or fill in the blank with whatever terrifies you, was trying trying to get in my house. I tossed, I turned, I turned on lights, looked and windows and then finally fell back asleep. Until Haydn woke up needing hugs, kisses, a retuck in from a bad dream. And that was about that, so far as peaceful slumber. Anyway, I knew I needed to hit the ground running, it's Monday people, and I need a J O B, but I also know I need to work my body. I truly need the action of moving and sweating, (after years of inactivity, I recognize, this function is paramount to my happiness) and with the heat, I knew I'd be dropping H off at school and needed to get on it, and so, I did.
As I walked I pondered. I tried to make sense and figure out the next step and wondered what might lie ahead for me. With each step, I felt a bit lighter, releasing those things that I've been holding on to so tightly, and wouldn't you know it, by Mile 2, I started to feel some of the heaviness lifting. Isn't that the way God works in us, it's like the moment we stop hanging on, after the blisters and blood on our hands of desperately trying so hard TO hang on, that we can have some peace and contentment in the surrender? It made my teary. Of course, I'm a smidge more prone to that these days anyway, but, it felt beautiful and wonderful and magical and as I continued to walk I found myself praising God for these trials. Sure, I'd like a nice long vacation from the transitions of my life, sometimes. But as I get older, I think these transitions, MAKE your life, you know? These places we constantly arrive at, yet move away from and toward something else. I think that is what the meaning of living is all about. As I locked eyes with passerby's a huge smile would make its way across my mouth and a genuine, "Good morning," was shared. I couldn't help but wonder what the other walker/runners might be facing or thinking as they were out this morning. Were they thinking about their spouse that died 10 years ago, and how they used to do these walks together, maybe making their to do list for the day, perhaps silently praying for rain as they crossed the crunchy, straw like grass of their neighbor?
Or maybe, like me, they were letting go of somethings and just opening themselves up to what God will bring to them today. Maybe. Maybe not. But my walk today, stirred something in me, something far bigger than me and what job interview I hope to get this week and what I want to be when I grow up. It's stirred a sense of surrender. I know I am human and will have my moments of panic, fear and anxiety as I go through this time, but I hope I can at the very least- return here and read this and be reminded what an amazing feeling this is. Just to be open. To be where I'm at- accept it, regardless how it arrived here.
