That's us, my family. Just two members- small, but mighty. And I'm not going to be humble here, we are an awesome dancing duo, my family. Mainly this happens in the kitchen- with Haydn swatting my booty at some point and me doing some serious questionable moves, sure to once and for all kick me out of the all elusive, "Mother of the Year" running I so often elude to. But it is bliss, complete wild abandon- feel the music, forget the title and your role, work it out- whatever is in you, right there in the middle of the sticky kitchen floor, just watch that precarious lock in the stove, it will catch your shirt lickity split and have you in some sort of pop n lock-type move you weren't anticipating...but I digress.
What brings me to this keyboard isn't my love of dance. It's the love of my rockstar, stinky-feet smelling, sassy mouthed-on-occasion, dance partner, the person that stole my heart long before I heard his heartbeat or felt him within my body...my son. Haydn and I are a small family- even my family of origin is pretty diminutive. When married,  my family of 3 always felt like it should be bigger to truly wear the "family" title, as ridiculous as that statement now sounds. But now we are a family of two- in fact, we rarely refer to ourselves as family. In truth, when Haydn uses the term, "family," he is almost always referencing the family at his Dad's house- Daddy, Tami, Haydn, Taylor and Jesse. "I'm the funniest one in our family," "I can burp the second loudest to Daddy in our family..." and I love hearing about his love of family, accompianed sometimes with the sharp sting of what I offer here, at my house- a duo- a kickin' dancing duo at that, but, it's something I've struggled with since the day my married life started to disassemble. Yes, family is what you make of it- we have friends that are like family, (& what a blessing they are, especially considering our extended family is a several hour-away plane ride at best), but there is something that I have always struggled with- that I have yet to offer Haydn here, at my house- a family that looks like, well...what I always thought a family should look like: A mom, a dad, some kids, some critter to claim as the family pet (RIP Sharksy Fancy Fasty, we still miss you, you quiet, rarely moving fish, you!!) and while Haydn & I have our things, our special events, sayings, memories, I still sometimes have a bit of guilt that he doesn't get "that" family here.
All of this leads me to this life-changing week for our little dancing duo. My only child is about to get a step mom, little step sister & brother, step grandparents, etc... His seemingly already sizeable "family" is expanding. His dad and Tami are getting married this weekend in Florida. And let me first say, I am so beyond grateful to God that my son loves and moreso, really likes Tami and her children. The peace of mind that she will always be kind and compassionate to my son, is the greatest gift I can imagine right now, as it pertains to my son's family changing forever- officially. Haydn has had several years to get to know Tami and her kids and I have watched that family relationship evolve. I truly am grateful that as far as I can tell, Haydn is somewhere between, "nothing is changing to I'll have siblings now" and what only child wouldn't want that "upgrade?" :)  And I'm actually just fine with another woman in my son's life. He is an entirelly loveable child and should be generously loved, I say! Ok, so I'm biased, but it is the truth!
My struggle is more of that family piece. I know I won't be replaced- ever. I'm his Mom- like it or lump it, the kid is stuck with this Mom. The one that makes her kid hula hoop with her in the aisle of Target and on occasion, when a wide open aisle at HyVee calls to her, speed races, compete with self made squealing tires sounds, around the corner with one half embarrassed, half giddy almost 9 year old holding on for dear life as the cart rounds the corner- he can't shake me. I get that title. I know.

I just hope and pray that one day, when he looks back on our time of the dancing duo, that his heart is full and it feels like we were a family, despite it looking a little different than others. Actually, as I type this.....more importantly, I want his heart to be full and for him to look back at our dancing duo and think, that's what love feels like.

Walking it out

 Holy cow- it's yet again almost been 2 years since my last Blog. Crazy- time has sprouted wings and it's jettisoning by at record pace. Also amazing to reread old posts and recognize either, "Hey, there I am again, the same spot," or far worse, "Holy c-r-a-p, I never left that spot!" What's that about the unexamined life...? Yeah, well...

So, I come to my dear blog most in times of transition these days. Big ones, I'm not talking about dabbling as a Ginger for the Fall-type transitions, I mean the bring you to your knees and have you having lengthy come-to-Jesus conversations, with, well....Jesus. And so it goes. This summer brought to a close several things that enriched & grew me as a person, a mom, an employee, a women, a partner. It was an amazing run- full of challenges, things to work out in my head that utlimately, made me a better me. Perhaps a more broken me at the moment, but that's only because I challenged myself to try new things, have a different perspective and let someone else lead, for once. I can confidentaly say, I have learned a lot about what drives me, what excites me, what I want my life to look like more and more. So, while these changes have perhaps (too often) been met with some sassy-mouthed exchanges, or a pity-party that lingered on..and on...and on...., or some behavior that surprised even me....I know in my soul that change is upon us, ok me, change is upon me.

A relationship that I held dearly, with someone I allowed myself to love- really love- (my first since the end of my marriage)- ended. It has been felt deeply, so much loss- a best friend, children I adored, a make-shift family, etc... so much to loose in one fell schwoop. And as I moved forward in that acceptance, I found out last week I was laid off. I have 2 weeks of severance (now one), a single mom, a mortgage, and a broken heart too boot! I liken it to a summer-shit sundae, with all the fixin's that I'll spare you from going into.

Which all of this gets me to today. Right now, well, this morning, in truth. I slept horribly last night, as I was sure, ( to top things off), the boogie man, or insane-asylm escapee, creepy clown, or fill in the blank with whatever terrifies you,  was trying trying to get in my house. I tossed, I turned, I turned on lights, looked and windows and then finally fell back asleep. Until Haydn woke up needing hugs, kisses, a retuck in from a bad dream. And that was about that, so far as peaceful slumber. Anyway, I knew I needed to hit the ground running, it's Monday people, and I need a J O B, but I also know I need to work my body. I truly need the action of moving and sweating, (after years of inactivity, I recognize, this function is paramount to my happiness) and with the heat, I knew I'd be dropping H off at school and needed to get on it, and so, I did.

As I walked I pondered. I tried to make sense and figure out the next step and wondered what might lie ahead for me. With each step, I felt a bit lighter, releasing those things that I've been holding on to so tightly, and wouldn't you know it, by Mile 2, I started to feel some of the heaviness lifting. Isn't that the way God works in us, it's like the moment we stop hanging on, after the blisters and blood on our hands of desperately trying so hard TO hang on, that we can have some peace and contentment in the surrender? It made my teary. Of course, I'm a smidge more prone to that these days anyway, but, it felt beautiful and wonderful and magical and as I continued to walk I found myself praising God for these trials. Sure, I'd like a nice long vacation from the transitions of my life, sometimes. But as I get older, I think these transitions, MAKE your life, you know? These places we constantly arrive at, yet move away from and toward something else. I think that is what the meaning of living is all about. As I locked eyes with passerby's a huge smile would make its way across my mouth and a genuine, "Good morning," was shared. I couldn't help but wonder what the other walker/runners might be facing or thinking as they were out this morning. Were they thinking about their spouse that died 10 years ago, and how they used to do these walks together, maybe making their to do list for the day, perhaps silently praying for rain as they crossed the crunchy, straw like grass of their neighbor?
Or maybe, like me, they were letting go of somethings and just opening themselves up to what God will bring to them today. Maybe. Maybe not. But my walk today, stirred something in me, something far bigger than me and what job interview I hope to get this week and what I want to be when I grow up. It's stirred a sense of surrender. I know I am human and will have my moments of panic, fear and anxiety as I go through this time, but I hope I can at the very least- return here and read this and be reminded what an amazing feeling this is. Just to be open. To be where I'm at- accept it, regardless how it arrived here.