I love, love, l - o- v-e,... LOVE! I do, I do, totally, undeniably true! I love it in all it's forms, types, manifestations. I love bittersweet love, red-hot-passionate gosta to have you love, respectful love, slowly evolving love, love of fellow man for sharing humanity, the love that develops from a deep, nuturing, "kindred soul " connection-type love, LOVE all of it and them some. And let me tell you, man, am I feeling it lately!
I can't say other than a brief moment of time, have I felt unlovable or totally without love. I have however, spent a fair amount of time wondering if I was loveable, ENOUGH and if someone would every fall madly, deeply, wholly in love with me. Not the me where I "mostly" show you who I am, but the real me. The no makeup, got clearasil on my face, sportin 5 year old specs, where I say something witchy or selfish, or not so-supportive....THAT "real me." Or, was I going to be someone well loved by many amazing people; friends, family, etc.. just never over the moon crazy loved in the traditional view of what romantic love is and learn to fully embrace that as my truth. I think I am at a place now- where, if that was the case, it would be fine. I'd learn to be content with that. Afterall, my loved ones and circle of friends have carried me -always. I have continually reached out, invited or been open to including people in both my joys AND struggles. And let's face it...I live my life pretty openly. I am me. People tend to like me or they really don't. I don't believe there is room for riding the fence on that. At least, that's my take on how tradtionally I am recieved. So yeah, I think after a LOT of soul searching/reflecting I had gotten to a place where I recognized romantic love - in the way that's most meangingful and fullfilling to me, may not exist. Period. And well, if it doesn't exist, then - that changes this conversation, now doesn't it? But life is funny and by "life is funny,"what I'm saying is, "God is smart, but I only get that later.... in retrospect." If that makes sense... What makes life and me living life in a way that is open and perhaps a bit rose-colored glasses compared to some is- possibilities. The possibilities of a new day, a new opportunity, a new friend, a new memory, a shared experience. I truly belive the greatest source of my love of life, of my love IN life, lies in this previous sentiment. If I suddenly lost my love of new possibilities, that tomorrow could bring some new adventure, a new connection, a different way of viewing things, I'm fairly certain, with it, I'd loose hope. Hope in almost everything that can't be seen, has yet to be realized or an improbable outcome. And hope my friends, hope is what gets me up in the morning! Don't get me wrong, that's not me wishing away today (finally!) and "hoping" that such and such happens, and "when it does, then....' No. Hope for me is more a curiousity, wonderment, positivity, an exciting way to dream, think, live. After many, many years in my past thinking, "when _______happens, then I'll ________" Guess what? You miss a whole lot of moments (ie LIFE) under that paradigm, friends. A.whole, lotta.
Yes,I'm rambling on and on and that was likely the most dis-jointed paragraph evah, maybe even blog post in general, but..... Whatev. It's me here people, you come here for the ride, the journey, not the destination- right? :) I say all this as I have merely been reflecting on the ways I am loved, the people that provide me the most amazing love through their support, their including, by sharing their lives- the real ones, with all the messiness included...and I simply feel the love. And maybe most importantly, I want to recognize that I feel it. I want to say, "I've been blessed by it," that "my life has been shaped and touched by "you" being in it.
And no, it doesn't hurt that 8 months ago tomorrow, a beautiful soul come into my world, in the most unusual way, at (as I always say) the most imperfectly perfect time. He is a kindred soul, a playmate to end all playmates, a best friend that gets the good, the bad, the ugly and loves me equally no matter which of those 3 he is privvy to, and yeah, pretty damn easy on the eyes to boot! :D It doesn't hurt to be "in love" to "feel the love" in your life, of course not. But in truth, being loved by someone whom you KNOW regularly sees you at your worst, right along with your best, and all points in between, does something, or at least, has done something to me in just recognizing love-any type of love in my life, and in recognixing how amazingly blessed my life has been today and always, by love.
