The evite to my pity party is forthcoming

Life is funny. Actually, the timing of life, is more than funny. Today I posted a link to the singledadlaughing blog that I love. The particular post was on step parents and what they, along with the biological parent can provide a child. It was beautiful, poetic- even, and moved me. Funny enough, tonight, fresh from Zumba-ing (the act of participating in a Zumba class- I'm coining the phrase) I arrive at my old house, er I mean, my ex's place to collect Haydn after his normal weekend visitation. We hug, we chat. We stand on the porch and for a few moments, we are kinda, in some weird way, a lot like the family we once were. Haydn shares what they did this weekend. He talks about the pumpkin they carved and how Tami carved out a gourd. Tami is my ex's girlfriend who has been in Haydn's life for the past 9 months. I know Tami, from pre-divorce days, and had always found her to be nice enough. So, the fact that she is now in my son's life regularly, as are her children, it's actually a relief to have known of her previously. She is just as far from a "stranger" as she is a "friend"- for me, she is in some kind of no man's land. An undetermined, unfamiliar role. Haydn really likes her and her children. When we pray, we include them, even the dog that stays at the Grandma's house. I have no ill will, but at the same time, the warm fuzzies are absent. Like, on hiatus, as in vacationing on Mars, questioning if they will ever return...you get the picture. But tonight, something happened. It's a milestone, really. For me at least. After a year that has required digesting so much, and reliving the anniversary of big, huge, ginormous changes in our life...Tonight, I was kicked in the stomach, repeat idly, by a giant foot, wearing steel toed boots, that had spikes on the bottom....or at least that's how it felt, by my own child. He was excitedly telling my about the carving and paused a moment. His Dad and I engaged in some Halloween logistical talk and BAM! There it was, the jarring, gut wrenching, spiked, hit. As Haydn interrupted to get my attention he said, "Tami!" I turned my face to my ex-husband, the look on his face was remorseful, not like he plotted to have our child call me by the wrong name - I could sense his discomfort. It's just the timing of it all. You know? Me posting that link about kids being loved by more than just their parents and all the benefits of that -then the cold slap in the face of, "Yeah, there's another woman in your son's life. One he likes and that has been building a meaningful relationship with him for a while now." Wow. I'd like to be all kumbya about it, and someday, I know I will fully embrace that. But for now. It hurts. It really really hurts. Yes, I'll always be his mother, yes, of course. I just wasn't ready for this, hell, any of it. I guess that's the thing about loss/growth/life- just when you acclimated to the new way, things change.