Dating in the time of Cholera, or something like that

So here I am approaching my 38th birthday and the realization that I'm "back on the market", "back in the game," or whatever little phrase you'd like to use to depict "single," is reflected everywhere in my life. For me, they are all just sad attempts at making dating sound much more a shopping sport, rather than the work-like-kinda heartbreaking- endeavor that it is. Really. It would seem its a constant state of hope-disappointment, acceptance- rejection-joy-pain....rinse & repeat. No matter whether you are the dumpeee or the dumper, it's often all of those things, to greater or lesser extents. A girlfriend and I were having a great discussion on the topic and have both decided that we are laying off the 'being proactive' in dating. We concur tis better you simply allow God/ the universe (whatever "higher power" you subscribe to), to work it's magic. Over the course of the conversation, she shared her favorite quote from Eat, Pray, Love (every single/divorcing/newly divorced/suburban soccer mom-longing for a an adventure has read it. It's required for our gender.) Anyway, it's an AMAZING quote, no, really, it is. You ready for it? Here goes, "I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long)waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance, I have been a victim of my own optimism." Even in my very limited dating history, I have already been a victim of my own optimism. If I'm being honest, it's something I struggled with in my marriage, actually. Some might say I had horse blinders on, another says, "you were in sleeper town. Now you see. Now you know, reality." All accurate descriptions. Mine was an optimism that indeed that potential of a man (as well as my own) would & was being realized. Nothing is as disappointing as realizing someone isn't the person you thought/hoped/longed for them to be (mind you, it's extra disheartening when you realize you aren't who you thought/hoped/lnoged to be!) In short, it totally sucks. Untapped potential, if you will. Don't get me wrong, I am fully cognizant that I am a work in progress, ever evolving, constantly struggling for improvement. This is different. This is something idealized. They/you "could" be that person, you have the capability to be "that" person. But who you are now, is who you are now. Sometimes, often times, its hard to acknowledge that. This, right here, this is where I am, who I am today.

Honestly, this is just more ramblings, a free flowing expression of random thoughts, loosely trying to be strung together to say something of significance. I suppose it is. Significant, that is. Probably to no one else but me.

The evite to my pity party is forthcoming

Life is funny. Actually, the timing of life, is more than funny. Today I posted a link to the singledadlaughing blog that I love. The particular post was on step parents and what they, along with the biological parent can provide a child. It was beautiful, poetic- even, and moved me. Funny enough, tonight, fresh from Zumba-ing (the act of participating in a Zumba class- I'm coining the phrase) I arrive at my old house, er I mean, my ex's place to collect Haydn after his normal weekend visitation. We hug, we chat. We stand on the porch and for a few moments, we are kinda, in some weird way, a lot like the family we once were. Haydn shares what they did this weekend. He talks about the pumpkin they carved and how Tami carved out a gourd. Tami is my ex's girlfriend who has been in Haydn's life for the past 9 months. I know Tami, from pre-divorce days, and had always found her to be nice enough. So, the fact that she is now in my son's life regularly, as are her children, it's actually a relief to have known of her previously. She is just as far from a "stranger" as she is a "friend"- for me, she is in some kind of no man's land. An undetermined, unfamiliar role. Haydn really likes her and her children. When we pray, we include them, even the dog that stays at the Grandma's house. I have no ill will, but at the same time, the warm fuzzies are absent. Like, on hiatus, as in vacationing on Mars, questioning if they will ever return...you get the picture. But tonight, something happened. It's a milestone, really. For me at least. After a year that has required digesting so much, and reliving the anniversary of big, huge, ginormous changes in our life...Tonight, I was kicked in the stomach, repeat idly, by a giant foot, wearing steel toed boots, that had spikes on the bottom....or at least that's how it felt, by my own child. He was excitedly telling my about the carving and paused a moment. His Dad and I engaged in some Halloween logistical talk and BAM! There it was, the jarring, gut wrenching, spiked, hit. As Haydn interrupted to get my attention he said, "Tami!" I turned my face to my ex-husband, the look on his face was remorseful, not like he plotted to have our child call me by the wrong name - I could sense his discomfort. It's just the timing of it all. You know? Me posting that link about kids being loved by more than just their parents and all the benefits of that -then the cold slap in the face of, "Yeah, there's another woman in your son's life. One he likes and that has been building a meaningful relationship with him for a while now." Wow. I'd like to be all kumbya about it, and someday, I know I will fully embrace that. But for now. It hurts. It really really hurts. Yes, I'll always be his mother, yes, of course. I just wasn't ready for this, hell, any of it. I guess that's the thing about loss/growth/life- just when you acclimated to the new way, things change.

Whoa. Say it with me, just like Joey Lawrence, Whoa.

Whoa! I all but forgot about my slightly askew views and posts....Seriously? Seriously? Two years? That's when I last posted. Unfriggenbelievable. The phrase, "what a difference a day makes," seems to be ringing in my head like an annoying old-school alarm clock. Had I known, had any inclination, where I'd be 2 years later.....well, I simply could not have even fathomed the changes in my life: My 13 year marriage ending, entering single life/single parenting, getting my lazy tail in serious shape, emotionally, spiritually, physically, doing a Triathlon, venturing out in the world in many new ways. Whoa. Wow.

It's actually immobilizing- trying to communicate what I'm feeling as I read these old posts, to think about where I am and where I am headed. In fact, I'm just going marinate and sit with that for a spell. But I'll be back to share some of what I unearth, once I can wrap my head around it!

Shhh....do you hear that?

It's silence, or close to it! All I hear are the keys getting hit as I type and a little smatteing of noise coming from the kitchen as H does playdoh. Truly, it is sooooooooooooooooooo odd for me, that it's a little creepy! At the same time,  I did notice how better behaved H has been tonight. seems I am not the only one that rush, rush hurry hurry life gets too! 

i had commented recently at small group about how one knows if God is speaking to them. Resoundingly I was met with, "is there time in your day were you are still enough to even hear him when he "speaks". Uh, yeah, No.  It was much easier when H was small and my days will spent caring for him and the big task was bathing him, myself, and at some point int he 9 hour time M was at work----make a dinner plan. It seemed to allow much more time for Silence. H didn't talk and believe it or not, I find I am fairly quite at home. So, a walk down the street a swing on the front porch,  got my mind reeling with possibilities, thankfulness and silent opportunitites. 

I have to figure out how to slow down. I am still hopeful that I can swing lesser hours at work very soon. And when that happens, I will need to fight the urge to fill that newly "found" time from being booked. I will need to refrain from inserting the event or that  volunteering---as life is cruising me by. H is growing up so fast-I am rarely found sitting reading a book, let alone, opening myself up to "hear" God's word. I just want a big ole,  road side billboard, 'hey Cindi, .......Love, God" Of course hear int he bible belt of MO. there are several well=placed billboards that read, "Don't make me come down there ---God" which always makes me smile....but they are not on my daily route---how do i put a place for God, when I barely give time to hear myself think?  Like many things in my life now. I need to become proactive. Most would describe as such when it comes to my job and my kid. But Me? I tend to feel like I am just along for the ride.  In the stillness of today I can hear him asking for me to turn down the volume, clear some time of my calendar and "let's talk" Now, the question is, will I be ready to listen????

Turns out, I may be walking backwards all this time!

Here's the backstory-we just returned from a week in Sacramento and Lake Tahoe.  My two brothers, a sister-in-law, myself & my family, my mom, my 6 nieces and nephews, and my dad. Many people are intrigued that my Dad & my mom, after 34 years divorced are both on this trip, in the same house, heck, chit chatting it up on the back deck for much of it! Also, many know that for as long as I can remember, my relationship with my Dad has been non-existent. I have seen him- spent time in his home on occasion, and as an adult shared parts of a vacation in his presence.  My brothers both spent time living in Fl. with my mom & I, yet, eventually, moved to California to live with my Dad. Both were gone by there teen age years.  With that, came much distant, that, gradually, has closed more and more over the years. So, my Dad is very much in my brothers lives. I am in my brother's lives. Hence, having my dad around on family "reunions" (albeit, Haydn is almost 5  just met his 6 cousins for the first time) is a lot like the infamous, "elephant in the room". We both act nice & cordial, but am told the awkwardness is not just in my head. 

We had a nice visit in Tahoe and returned to my brother's for a few days with my other brothers beautiful (inside & out) almost (can't believe it!) 16 year old daughter, H, Marc, me, & my mom. On are last day I finally got some time to talk with my niece. She was the first-I was there to see her mothers belly grow and one September, there to welcome her to my life just moments after her birth.  She lives with her mom in Southern Cal.--but is wonderful about coming to any family reunion of her Dad's family. Anywho, we talked about growing up with out a Dad and she shared some feelings and I kept finding myself saying, "Well, I'm no help because at 35, i still feel a lot of hurt" In fact, I continued on...and on...and the conversation switched from her...to me! Basically, I was implored by my brother & my niece to express my feelings to my Dad. Not for him, but for me to "release them" so I can move forward, etc.. I said, "I know. I know" I really just wanted to whole conversation to end. But, I know they are right. So, I did write a letter. I wrote it yesterday with all the feelings still fresh in mind stirredup from our conversation. i don't know what (if anything) i will do with it. It may never get mailed. I may just keep it and re read it a few times to let those feelings out. I know that;s not the same as "confronting" my Dad-which wouldn't be a hateful stance, but I would regret never telling him how his actions have impacted me-my entire life.

I'm sure I;ll post if-when the letter ever leaves my hands. I just need to find courage somewhere. It';s difficult when you have stuffed your shame, pain, guilt for all of your life-the thought of letting it all out is completely terrifying.

Haydn Ponders....

...these are the questions Haydn posed while in my lap watching the 10 min. firework display. Apparently the whole firework-thing really got his wheels turning! 

H: " Why is there no ceiling to the sky?"

H: "Why are they (fireworks) all shaped like palm trees? (the residual "lines" left in the sky by the round blast)

H: "Is it still daylight savings time?"

H: "Why do we have fireworks?"

H: Why does the Earth turn so slowly?"

Geez, kid, sit back and watch the fireworks and just don't think for a minute! Although, I'd rather answer those then the questions on the way to school last week.

H: "How did they put the nails in Jesus' hands?"

H: "Why did they hang Jesus on the Cross?" 

Ugh, the other questions I can swing, but I'm borrowing a book from a friend for the other two!

Everyday Love

I had to write about this--just to serve as proof in another year, or five , or 15. Today at dinner H seemed exceptionally sweet & charming. He had DH& I gazing at him, relishing this precious gift God bestowed upon us. These moments are precious, i mean we are talking a bout a 4 1/2 year old here. So, I asked Haydn some things and ended with, "Do you ever feel like Mommy & Daddy really, really, REALLy love you?" Expecting a smile or yes, we got, "Yes, everyday!" Of course the tears somehow were on quick alert,  as they instantly started streaming down my face, almost, as the final sound exited his mouth! There are many times we are told we "aren't nice" or something similar, but wouldn't it be lovely if he really does feel loved every day despite not liking our decisions/rule. I pray this is the case. I have to say, it filled me with joy. 

No doubt I will return to this post often with these sentiments are being disputed!!